I am having one of those days where I just don't feel good. I can't tell you why-there is no one symptom I can give you. I just feel blah. I wish I could have spent the day in bed with my cats.
Of course, that is not an option. Some days I want to just lock myself in my house and not come out. I think of all the times I have been hospitalized and label them as 'vacation from real life.' What else can you call it? The last time I was hospitalized was March 2009. I had my 9th abdominal surgery to remove adhesions and scar tissue that were causing partial blockages. I usually have surgery every three years or so and March 2012 is three years. I am not having as many symptoms as I was then. Maybe I will make it past March!
I am not an optimist. I am a realist. People say to me "you shouldn't think that way." Well I do. It comes from almost 30 years of dealing with Crohn's disease. Optimism went out the door a long time ago.
I have spent my life hiding my true feelings from every one. So much so that now I am all alone in life. Of course, I still have my parents-but they live far away. I have isolated myself from friends and have no one to talk to about what's in my head.
That's one of the reasons I started this blog. So I would have a place to state my real feelings unedited and unscripted. I don't believe anyone will really be reading this-but if you are-I hope reading my thoughts helps you in dealing with your disease. Maybe your thoughts reflect mine and you won't feel so all alone.
It's so hard to have a life when you hook up to IVs at 5pm and go to bed then because the IVs run for 12 hours. How much fun can it be to go out dragging your IV backpack and tubing with you? Will there ever be another man in my life who will truly love me and be able to look passed my illness, ostomy and TPN dependence? I sure hope so. I don't want to spend the rest of my days alone.
If you are reading this and are isolating people like I have. STOP! Let people in-let them know how you are doing and feeling. Don't end up all alone like me.