I know it's been forever since I've written on here. I had big plans for this blog and life just keeps me from doing all that I want to do.
My latest foray is to try online dating. I have been alone for three years now and felt it was time to try and get back out into life again. I was so broken hearted from my last relationship, that I just went inside myself and was safer just to be a hermit. Lately, I have realized that that is no way to live.
So the online dating thing-
It's a mad world out there, full of crazy people just looking for sex with no strings attached. That is certainly not why I went online. It's also a cruel world. I've told you about having an ileostomy and an IV in my chest. When do you tell prospective dates about your illness? Do you tell them right up front or do you wait til there is something there worth exploring. I have tried both. I can say that men in their forties are not as shallow as men in their twenties. I have had my ileostomy for a long time now and it still hurts when someone seems to like you and then they find out about your illness and you never hear from them again. Like this is how I want my life to be, like I chose to be sick and have these false body parts. It hurts now just as bad as it hurt then. I can say as before that men on their forties seem to not care about my illness. I guess as men get older they grow up and realize that I can't help that this is how my body is.
Having this IV cramps the dating scene as well. I hook up routinely at 5pm-and that's prime date time. So I have to ask if we can do a daytime date the first time. Sometimes I have explained that I don't want the first impression to be with my backpack and IV, sometimes I have just said I'd rather do a daytime date first to see how things go.
I can only say that for this moment in time, I have only had one date, although I have 'talked' to several guys on this site. I've been alone a long time and I'm not going to settle just to have someone in my life. It has to be someone I really think could be important in my life. The one date I did have, I was led to believe that a relationship was forth coming. One thing led to another and the next day, I was told that that shouldn't have happened that fast and that he just wants to be friends. Really? I can't help but think that maybe once he really saw my ostomy and IV that it was just too much and he really didn't want to deal with my illness. But of course hindsight is 20/20 right?
I realized that he never even asked me how I was feeling when I told him I'd been sick. He never asked anything about me. It was like he really didn't want to know me. Why couldn't I see that before that fateful date? Am I that lonely that I can't see what's really in front of me? Has my illness become this all encompassing thing?
My biggest fear is what will happen to me when my parents are no longer around and my illness finally gets so bad that I can't even support myself any longer. Am I desperately trying to find someone to take care of me? Or am I in this for the right reasons? I don't know but it's certainly something to think about. I want a man who wants to know me-the good the bad and the ugly. Believe me there is a lot of ugly.
So what do you do? Do you tell right up front about your illness or do you hold back until further into the relationship?