Friday, January 20, 2012

The story I laugh at on the outside but kills me on the inside

I don't remember the year, I don't remember the place. What I do remember is I hadn't been diagnosed yet and I was having bad horrible bouts of uncontrollable diarrhea.

My family had gone on a trip.  One of the places we visited was a high rise building.  We went all the way up many floors on the elevator.  All the way up to the observation deck overlooking the city.  I remember that I had been holding my bowels in the best I could, trying not to ruin the family vacation. All of a sudden, I just couldn't hold it anymore.  The problem was there were no bathrooms on that floor. I had to get back on the elevator and go back down.

My family was upset that we had to leave so fast and in such a hurry.  I was in so much pain, trying to not have an accident. I finally made it to a floor that had a bathroom.  I ran and barely made it in time before I would have made a mess of myself.

Now we all know that sh*t stinks.  It's just how it is. But with Crohn's disease, it can be very foul smelling. Worse than normal.  Well this time it was so foul that the smell went all the way through the floor we were on.  My family started laughing at me for stinking up the place.  I laughed along with them.  At the time, it was a joke when we farted.  Was a game to our family.  So they didn't know that I was dying inside of embarrassment and humiliation.

Years later, my family would periodically tell that story of how I fouled up a whole floor of a building. I never say anything, I just laugh along.  But inside, it hurts and it hurts a lot.

It's been years since anyone has brought that up again.  So I really haven't thought about it lately.  I just wanted to share this with you, if you are reading that if this has happened to you, it's ok.  I think that if I ever hear that story again from my family, maybe I will have the courage to tell them that I have never thought it funny and that it truly hurts me when they laugh at my expense.

Please don't think I have a bad family.  I don't.  My family is awesome and has been there for me throughout my life.  They didn't know it hurt me, I never told them it did.  So I bear part of the blame for that.

This is just one of the many stories that have happened since I was diagnosed so many years ago....