Thursday, October 25, 2012

How can this be?

Yesterday, my little brother was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.  Lately, he has been having all the symptoms, abdominal pain etc and the doctors wanted to do the tests because of my history with Crohn's.  I told my mom that it probably isn't, that he is in the wrong age range, it's probably something else.

Well, I was wrong.  He has Crohn's disease.  I'm ashamed to say that my first reaction was anger. How dare he?  I'm the sick one of the family.  It's MY role not his.  I can't even wrap my head around this. My whole life, 30 years now, I have been the sick one and now he's got it too.  I know I'm supposed to feel bad for him and I do but right now, I'm having a hard time of it.  I feel like the worst selfish person in the world.  Am I wrong to feel this way?

It's making me remember how I felt when I first got diagnosed-I thought they had made it all up.  I remember the pain and the diarrhea and all that.  I'm thinking my brother is hoping that he doesn't have it nearly as bad as I do. I hope he doesn't either.  I really do.  He's probably scared to death about all this.  I don't want him to suffer as I have all these years.

Logically, I know that most people don't have it nearly as bad as I do.  I'm thinking I may need to talk to a shrink to understand and get past why I'm so angry about this.  A friend of mine suggested maybe it's because subconsciously I feel I have suffered enough for our family, but I'm not sure that's it.

I hate that I feel this way.  Am I an awful person?

Just talked to another friend and she hit it right on the head.  Crohn's was something that was all mine, awful as it's been, it's all mine.  Now it isn't anymore. So what does that mean for me now?  What 's left of my  role now if I'm no longer the sick person in my family?

I feel like I'm losing my identity.  Crohn's is my identity, it's what sets me apart.

Now who am I?


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